Liebe Familie,
One year ago today, I sat in a chair, weeping. President
Gleason, the stake president, looked me in the eyes and said that he released me
as a full-time missionary. I wept harder. I loved my mission more than
anything. I was so grateful that I had been called to serve a mission. I
couldn't understand why my Heavenly Father loved me so much that He gave me that
opportunity. I wept as I considered the blessing my mission had already been
in my life. I wept as the realization sunk in that that chapter of my life had
come to a close.
As I reflect on this past year, it certainly has not been
easy. I have indeed been dragged to the lowest of lows as the Lord has
continued to shape me into the person He knows I can become. I learned a lot on
my mission, but I have continued to learn and grow as I have come home and
attempted to make this most difficult of transitions. Everyone talks about how
difficult missions are; they are difficult and, thus, deserve the attention.
However, no one seems to talk about how difficult coming home is. Coming home,
having life fall into place, and having eternal bliss seem to be the expectation.
If one is not always as happy as a fourth-grader at a Halloween party, that
person is almost expected to "fake it 'till ya make it," find a nice
Pinterest quote to get through the day, and keep feelings pent up until an
improvement is made. I felt alone and confused so much, and, thinking I was
the only one who felt this way in my struggle to come home, crawled back into
my shell, expecting that the empty feelings I had would just go away with time.
It seemed for awhile that no matter how hard I tried, nothing was working out.
Failure was all around me; from classes, to friends, to work, eating worms
seemed like the only logical next step on many occasions (though, I must assure you, no worms were ever consumed).
In a speech at BYU in 1982, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave an
address called "The Inconvenient Messiah." He explains his title
thus: "I wish to speak this morning of the demands of discipline and
discipleship, of the responsibilities we have to face when we choose to follow
Jesus Christ. In the Savior’s life and in ours, Satan counters such discipline
with temptations of an easier way, with an offer of “convenient Christianity.”
It is a temptation Jesus resisted, and so must we. Life was very inconvenient
for him, and, unless I miss my guess, it will often be so for you and for me
when we take upon us His name." I suppose I thought that by serving
a mission, life would be made easier upon returning. While I certainly have
received blessings, I have become a greater threat to Satan, and he will try
even harder to break me down. Later in the speech, Elder Holland said: "If
for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been
with the best people who ever lived."
On another occasion, Elder Holland said, "I have
absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge that God loves us. He is good. He
is our Father, and He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give
up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn’t
seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing,
keep trusting, following that same path, and we will live to fall in His arms
and feel His embrace and hear Him say, 'I told you it’d be OK, I told you it’d
be alright.'"
I'm still not entirely sure why life needs to be so hard so
much, but I do know that He sends tender mercies along the way to remind that
He is there, and He still hears our prayers.
As I plodded through my trials, I found another quote from
President Monson in which he said, "To live greatly, we must develop the
capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph
with humility." This is so difficult to do! When trouble comes, being discouraged is
so much easier. I think that a lot of times, we think that because we're doing
good or because we've done good, things will just work out perfectly, and we
will beat every Goliath that stands in our way. That's the blessings of keeping
the commandments, right?
In Doctrine and Covenants 90:24, we are promised,
"Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall
work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant
wherewith ye have covenanted one with another." That's it. Three simple
things we need to do in order to have everything work out: search diligently,
pray always, and be believing. However, I think we too often skip over the
prepositional phrase "for your good." In so doing, we forget about
and lose hope. Preach My Gospel says, "Hope is an abiding
trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in
confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and
expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through
trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will
work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The
scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will
inherit eternal life in the Celestial Kingdom." Danielle, one of the first
investigators I taught on my mission, once said something that I think Jesus
Christ likewise says to us, "I haven't lost hope; I hope you haven't,
either."
In 3 Nephi 9:13, Christ is talking to the Nephites right
before he comes to visit them. He asks, "[Will] ye not now return unto me,
and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?"
(emphasis added) He doesn't say that He will; He says that He may. He'll do
what is best for us to become the best we can be and ultimately have joy.
In March 2013, Elder Bednar gave an excellent CES Devotional
about trusting in the Lord. It was called "That We Might 'Not... Shrink'
(D&C 19:18)." In it, he asks a question: "Do you have the faith
to not be healed?" We must likewise determine if we are going to keep
trusting in the Lord, even when "for awhile, the harder [we] try, the harder
it gets."
In the October 2011 General Conference, President Thomas S.
Monson said, "May we ever be courageous and prepared to stand for what we
believe. ...[In] reality, we are never alone when we stand with our Heavenly
Father."
This year included a lot of setbacks, rejections, and other
disappointments. Yet, I am at peace. I know that I am where my Heavenly Father
needs me right now. I know that He loves me and is guiding me along the path
that is right for me. Just as my mission didn't go as planned, so has the past
year not gone as planned. Yet, I know that everything has happened for a
purpose. As much as it sometimes hurt, I am so grateful for the things I have
learned and experienced since returning home from my mission one year ago.
While I recognize that life will continue to be difficult, I also know that He
is there, and He will never leave my side as long as I "search diligently,
pray always, and [am] believing."
Elder Robert D. Hales said, "Yes, 'weeping may endure
for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.' Then, in the dawn of our increased
faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord saying, 'Thy
will be done.'"
I close with the words to the hymn "How Firm a
Foundation."
"How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word! What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior… for refuge have fled?
In ev'ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand… so thy succor shall be.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous… omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee… thy deepest distress.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume… and thy gold to refine.
E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov'reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still… in my bosom be borne.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"
Last Sunday, during the bearing of testimonies, I flipped to
this hymn, and the words touched me deeper than they ever had before as I
considered their meaning. I pulled out my journal and wrote most of the above thoughts. I love my Savior, and I am excited for what lies ahead.
Alles Gute im
neuen Jahr,
Stephanie